September 18, 2010

Football in the South. TFM.

I am so not the plan-my-future-wedding-all-I-need-is-a-groom type. But the groomsmen will take one of those cute touch football pictures. For sure.

Because I'm spending another freezing cold day up in Lewisburg while my friends/family picture text me tailgating/game images from the plains (cool guys, cool.), here's something I was emailed the other day. And as a Southerner immersed in this New England culture, I couldn't express to you how true this is.

Happy gameday, y'all!



Northern vs. Southern Football


Women's Accessories
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, water proof mascara,and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's why we have boyfriends.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Mothers:
NORTH: Don't care if their daughters know what a football is.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to buy a new outfit for Homecoming each year and marry a football player.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Guliani
SOUTH: Paul "Bear" Bryant
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus, put name on waiting list for tickets, then still have to camp out.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Week of Big Game:
NORTH: Don't even know who they are playing on Saturday.
SOUTH: Make sure clothes are color coordinated, make signs to support the home team, get shakers ready, pray for a victory, and bow down to football players when students see them.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. Wonder why Game Day Live is never broadcast from their campus.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera, cheer tirelessly, and wave banners.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Hootie and the Blowfish," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon. Televisions set up with satellite dishes so that we don’t miss any football games shown before and after ours.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with Coke, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary {Male Fan}:
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch -tackle him and break his legs."

Commentary {Female Fan}:
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."

Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's game.

3 comments:

  1. Just left the Carolina game (unfortunate score). Blue skies and bourbon, a smashing combination. Even spotted one of our shirts while in line for the facilities. A perfect day in Chapel Hill.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thomas Sullivan Magnum IVOctober 3, 2010 at 11:46 PM

    maybe thats because there is more to do in the north than in the south.

    ReplyDelete
  3. OMG, I LOVE THIS & it's soooo true!!!

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...