Football in the South. TFM.

I am so not the plan-my-future-wedding-all-I-need-is-a-groom type. But the groomsmen will take one of those cute touch football pictures. For sure.

Because I'm spending another freezing cold day up in Lewisburg while my friends/family picture text me tailgating/game images from the plains (cool guys, cool.), here's something I was emailed the other day. And as a Southerner immersed in this New England culture, I couldn't express to you how true this is.

Happy gameday, y'all!

Northern vs. Southern Football

Women's Accessories

NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.

SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, water proof mascara,and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's why we have boyfriends.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers:

NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.

SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Mothers:

NORTH: Don't care if their daughters know what a football is.

SOUTH: Expect their daughters to buy a new outfit for Homecoming each year and marry a football player.

Campus Decor:

NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.

SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:

NORTH: Also a physics major.

SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Heroes:

NORTH: Rudy Guliani

SOUTH: Paul "Bear" Bryant

Getting Tickets:

NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.

SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus, put name on waiting list for tickets, then still have to camp out.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:

NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.

SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class.

Parking:

NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.

SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Week of Big Game:

NORTH: Don't even know who they are playing on Saturday.

SOUTH: Make sure clothes are color coordinated, make signs to support the home team, get shakers ready, pray for a victory, and bow down to football players when students see them.

Game Day:

NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. Wonder why Game Day Live is never broadcast from their campus.

SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera, cheer tirelessly, and wave banners.

Tailgating:

NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.

SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Hootie and the Blowfish," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon. Televisions set up with satellite dishes so that we don’t miss any football games shown before and after ours.

Getting to the Stadium:

NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.

SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.

Concessions:

NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.

SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with Coke, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:

NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.

SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:

NORTH: Nothing changes.

SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary {Male Fan}:

NORTH: "Nice play."

SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch -tackle him and break his legs."

Commentary {Female Fan}:

NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."

SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."

Announcers:

NORTH: Neutral and paid.

SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game:

NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.

SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's game.